Feeling Estranged from Myself

I didn’t realize it at the time but being unemployed gave me the distance I needed from the constant busyness of work.  I didn’t have to deal with the constant stresses of meeting all the mandated teaching requirements which spilled over into my personal time.  I had nothing but personal time.  And while I did not use it as wisely as I should have – squandering hours watching TV instead of being creative or getting projects completed; I had personal time, something that I hadn’t had in a long time.  While teaching, even my summers off weren’t really mine because I spent them getting things done that I wasn’t able to during the school year.  I spent that time playing catch up- always feeling behind, never simply enjoying the moment.  While I was unemployed I had things I should be doing but work was not stealing away MY time.  This awareness makes me realize I really do need a change; I need to get away from this dysfunctional work environment because it is making me dysfunctional.  It permeates everything I do, all my thoughts, my creativity is stifled… it literally is stealing me away from ME. 

In the book Choosing Happiness, Dowrick states, “Being busy is a kind of addiction.  It reassures us that we are “someone”.”  “But being constantly busy estranges us from ourselves.” (Dowrick, 131)   This is how I feel, estranged from myself.  Today I read this statement and it stopped me in my tracks; “Let yourself fully imagine the life you want to be living.  Until you can imagine it, you will never achieve it.” (Dowrick, 135)  I can’t picture what it is that I want to do.  I think this is why I find myself stalled.  I don’t know which direction to go so I’m going nowhere.  I’m stuck in this spot waiting for some epiphany to strike or green arrows to suddenly light up a path for me to follow like that investment commercial on TV.  But I know from my past readings that this is NOT how it works.   I have to start moving in some direction, any direction with the intention of finding my life’s purpose.  Movement requires ACTION.  I have found myself standing squarely in front of my word for 2014.  I now have work to do, another ____ to add to my list for this year.  Instead of feeling dread I feel a tingle of excitement; excitement for what is to come.  THIS is why I do the morning readings, for this type of insight.  This is why I’m doing Your Little Word, for accountability for those insights.

My 5 Random Finds

1. A lot of napping took place when we found ourselves snow bound.

2.  Our pets have this radar that tells them someone is on the couch with a blanket.  They appear out of nowhere then blanket-hog.

3.  When the sun isn't shining, it helps to create a sunny, yellow ATC.

4.  Forcing myself outside just for a few minutes to snap a few shots cleared my head.

5. While Cleo loves it when we create this "race track" for her around the yard, it was just too cold to play outside this week.

Very grateful for having an extra week to stay at home from school.  Thank you Mother Nature!

Happily linking up with Kim’s Friday Finds and Nancy’s Random 5 Friday.

Dowrick, Stepahie, Choosing Happiness: Life & Soul Essentials.  New York: Penguin Group, 2007.