The sense
of calm and purpose I found over Christmas break diminished not too long
after going back to school and I just haven’t been able to get myself to move past
the stress and repression to make any changes.
After a long conversation yesterday with a friend I realized I was
getting in my own way. I needed to release the thoughts that continued to cycle
in my mind, the worries that were keeping me from restful sleep, waking me with
my mind racing. This constant ruminating
was keeping me in a continual state of fight or flight. Why was
I allowing this?
Part of the answer
was fear. In the back of my mind knowing
some other eyes other than mine could read about my internal struggles was
preventing me from releasing them. Yet holding
them in was holding me back. And while
I hated the way things were making the needed changes scares me even more. Something
had to be done. Yesterday I purchased a
plain journal, one of my favorites to work in for smaller projects. I wanted clean, line-less pages so I wouldn't feel the pressure to have to write. And
I wanted a small number of pages so I could finish it by summer.
I wrote, released…breathed. Then I painted over it, stenciled, painted some more, then doodled. A start, yes, but starting is never the problem, sticking with it, reaching an end, this I’m not good at. Again, fear sets in, I give up and the cycle continues. How can I make this turn out differently?
Good for you...Journaling is a wonderful tool for most anything that ails.....I find journaling to be good for me whatever my mood. I too think we all wrestle with fear over one thing or another. So glad you are putting yours to rest....
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