Sunday, March 15, 2015
Laying the pathway for change
The sense of calm and purpose I found over Christmas break diminished not too long after going back to school and I just haven’t been able to get myself to move past the stress and repression to make any changes. After a long conversation yesterday with a friend I realized I was getting in my own way. I needed to release the thoughts that continued to cycle in my mind, the worries that were keeping me from restful sleep, waking me with my mind racing. This constant ruminating was keeping me in a continual state of fight or flight. Why was I allowing this?
Part of the answer was fear. In the back of my mind knowing some other eyes other than mine could read about my internal struggles was preventing me from releasing them. Yet holding them in was holding me back. And while I hated the way things were making the needed changes scares me even more. Something had to be done. Yesterday I purchased a plain journal, one of my favorites to work in for smaller projects. I wanted clean, line-less pages so I wouldn't feel the pressure to have to write. And I wanted a small number of pages so I could finish it by summer.
I wrote, released…breathed. Then I painted over it, stenciled, painted some more, then doodled. A start, yes, but starting is never the problem, sticking with it, reaching an end, this I’m not good at. Again, fear sets in, I give up and the cycle continues. How can I make this turn out differently?